The Outsider: Just following orders
|By Will Jones - The Outsider | May 9, 2019|
While there are many men that don’t care to admit it, oft acting the big tough guy in front of buddies, when it comes down to it, their lovely wives are the boss, really. And what the boss says, goes.
Mow the lawn, O.K, dear. Clean out the shed, yes dear. Build me a deck. Really? Erm, yes, my love. Now, this may sound kind of depressing but in actual fact our lovely wives know what we want before we do, hence they tell us in order to stop us wasting time.
The shed does look better cleaned out and the lawn tidier, mowed. The deck, well, I suppose we needed one but the pink walls in the living room, I never knew I wanted to paint them that colour. But I digress because I’m writing to tell of a dastardly deed that my lovely wife ordered me to do. A heinous act that while I may have been thinking about it, I was only half-heartedly considering getting off the couch to do.
She made me shoot a turkey. Kill it, stone dead. And get this, she browbeat me into doing it for the sake of my son’s schooling.
“You have to get one and make it a big tom,” she said, “not some pathetic little jake like last year because we need a tail fan that looks good or Little Z will be a laughing stock.”
I have that on tape, if you don’t believe me and in case this comes back to bite, or peck, me. So, there I was in a pickle. Admittedly, in my wallet was a turkey hunting license but that doesn’t normally stop me donating funds to the MNR without actually killing anything. Just ask all of the deer in Haliburton County. They smile when they see me wandering through the bush with my rifle, before waving a white tail and trotting away, knowing full well that bullets whizzing by are never going to find their mark.
But now I had to get a turkey, and a big one at that. I offered to lend my lovely wife my tag, gun and camo balaclava. She declined, citing several reasons, including the requirement to get up before dawn and the fusty smell of the balaclava. I was quite hurt and so I took another woman hunting instead. A rather fetching female turkey decoy by the name of Brandy. She proved irresistible to the very first tom turkey we encountered and boom, there he was dead.
Now, you are probably wondering what part of Little Z’s schooling was in jeopardy without a turkey tail fan. Well, he’s in the school play, you see, and he’s gone and got himself the role of a turkey in a rendition of the Ugly Duckling. Yes, you guessed it, we have to make the costume. And what could be more ‘Haliburton Cool’ than making it out of a bona fide turkey. I told you my lovely wife was always right, and she knew it before I did, too
WILL JONES - is The Outsider