The Outsider: King Kong, Godzilla and ...
|By Will Jones - The Outsider | Feb. 28, 2019|
Do you believe in monsters? Monsters here in Haliburton county? I didn’t until recently but I do now because I’ve seen one.
I’ve got buddies who say they’ve seen monsters, too. Robbie swears he saw a sasquatch up in Haliburton Forest and that it threw a log at the van he was driving, ‘honest’. Then there’s another friend who will squish my head if I reveal his name; he reckons he caught sight of something otherworldly standing on a point out on Lake Kashagawigamog - a lake with a monstrous name, if not reputation. Try saying it three times without tripping up, I dare you. But then again Pat’s prone to the odd tall tale after a long day out fishing. Did I say Pat, dammit, now I’m done for. And, talking of lakes, what about the tales of lake monsters that rise up from the deep and bite chunks out of people’s toes? Can we count angry Muskie as monsters? Why not, eh ...
But I didn’t see any of those kinds of monsters, mine was much scarier, and much much bigger. It happened on the day I went to work on the new development at Haliburton Lake. As I drove in with my workmate, all seemed normal. We passed the empty lots, their sold signs half hidden in deep banks of snow. We passed the house that we’d built last year and rounded the bend where Don almost slid his truck into the lake. We made jokes about it but I slowed down just in case. And then, we turned another icy corner and drove down a driveway.
Suddenly right in front of us there it was, standing at the end of the driveway. Neither of us had seen anything like it before.
Well, not here anyway. On TV maybe and in movies, and I caught a glimpse of one once in Muskoka, I think but there this one stood plain as day before us. I slammed on the brakes and we slid to a stop. Both of us were aghast.
Our monster was huge, gargantuan, with vast arms sweeping round from each side, blank staring voids where eyes should be, a gaping hole of a mouth shored up with black teeth as big as tree trunks and a chin made out of stone. I looked at my workmate and he at me. We almost dared not move. Let this horrific giant sleep, I thought. Let it be and maybe it won’t realise we’re here and we can sneak away quietly ... but then the other truck caught up with us and my boss honked the horn. “Get a move on. You can see how big she is, so you can see the work we have to do.”
She! A female, that means there may be offspring, more monsters here on Haliburton Lake. The thought makes me shudder but heed my words because they are coming.
Yes, monster homes, my friends. This is the start of an invasion of houses so big, so ugly that only a ‘select few’ like Hollywood stars and professional sports players can hope to build them and come out the other side with no shame. This is a slow but inevitable assault on our little County by these giant, unwieldy beasts that lie dormant for months at a time, only to wake, stretch and vomit all manner of water toys and bad country pop music – from speed boats to giant inflatable trampolines, from Garth Brooks to the Dixie Chicks – out across our beautiful lakes each summer. I’ve seen the monster home.
I’ve looked into its eyes and I’m afraid for our paradise, very afraid.
WILL JONES - is The Outsider